Loneliness

Eight thousand miles separate me from San Diego, but there is a schism that cannot be measured by miles. But the distance is not between two geographies. The distance is the broader, deeper, and indelible...residing within. A detachment that happened years ago, and has continued. Sometimes becoming immured in distractions of my own making, to realize the distance being created. But the break was there. Permanent and growing.
When I was at graduate school we used to refer to these as our monsters. Not that they were tangible or actual beings, but because these were the things that kept us awake at night. Circling and nipping at our conscious, but never quite perceptible enough to tackle. My fear makes these monsters invisible. When I look at it head on it moves around in my head and disperses into tiny fragments. Fragments that I have learnt to deal with and having done so, I do not learn how to deal with the entirety of this monster. It is elusive, clever and totally transparent when I want to address it. What I have learned after layers of procrastinations is to address the fear when is presents itself.  Even, as is always the case, it is not the right time.
It is "not the right time", is the time to make things right. If I feel it, now is the time. Because by the time you allow the monsters to invade you, then it will disappear. Now is the time. Be prepared. The monsters want to be slaughtered. They are unhappy creatures. They want you to make them mortal. If you feed them with thought they disappear. As I switch on the monitor, a blank screen faces me, and I start the combat.